Faith is Like a Little Seed

Today was the first day of my second semester of college at BYU-Idaho. I had been excited about this day since the day I left in December. I couldn't want to get back to school, do homework, go to classes, meet new people, and do everything that going to college entails...

But today I was miserable.

I started feeling miserable on my way to school this morning. As I was driving to Rexburg I couldn't help but feel a little...distraught. I couldn't focus and I was having a hard time being excited anymore. My motivation was depleting quickly and I had no idea why. I couldn't help buy feel a little disappointed in myself that all my excitement and vigor was missing. But, I went on to my classes. I go to my ED200(History and Philosophy of Education) and I loved it. Brother Magleby was fantastic and hilarious and I was inspired! I knew I wanted to teach all my life, but he reiterated that for me.

Then..just when things were looking up, I went to my MUSIC172 class (Music Theory, musicianship..whatever). I got this terrible feeling in my stomach and thought to myself, "Why are you here? What the heck are you doing?" I quickly pushed the thought out of my mind because I didn't -want- to think that thought. I went throughout the entire class questioning my ability to get through it every day. I didn't want to start each day with intervals, composers I'd never heard of, sight singing and solfege anymore. I didn't want to memorize pieces that I would never play, I didn't want to analyze triads and find perfect fifths and augmented sixth. My motivation to do any of the sort had completely vanished. I had no desire to do any of it. But, I didn't feel like I was -supposed- to think those thoughts, so again I push them out..

Next was Symphony Band. This was the killer. I found myself to be 1 out of 2 percussionists in the entire band and was dissatisfied with everything that was happening. I didn't agree with the way the director was directing, nor did I want to play the pieces that he wanted us to play. After the class was over, I couldn't be more thrilled. I didn't want to be there anymore and I didn't feel like I belonged. It was the equivalent of Jr. High all over again. I didn't know what I was doing there, where to go, who to talk to, or what to think. 

I was lost.

After Symphony Band I headed to Devotional, a common activity of the faithful BYU-Idaho student. I went and tried to listen. I tried and failed. My mind was racing a mile a minute and I couldn't focus on anything. My mind kept jumping between thoughts of "Well, should I change my major? Why am I unhappy? This is what I love, why am I not happy doing it?" and so forth. I was sitting next to a friend who recently changed her major as well and I was trying to weigh the pro's and con's in my head. I kept coming up "buts" or "what ifs" and I was going crazy. So, after Devo, I was walking to my car and I had never felt so lonely in my life. I felt so alone and scared. So, I went to talk to my mommy....and I cried like the little girl I am. I explained all of this and she just kept saying that she'd support me in whatever I wanted to do. I cried some more and left. I decided to call a really good friend and ask her opinion. She told me basically the same thing, but then she said, "Do what love. If you don't do what you love, you'll be stuck doing something you don't love for the rest of your life. So change now if you're not happy." 

This changed -everything-

I started considering changing my major. The stress would be gone. I wouldn't be a failure. I could have so much worry taken off my shoulders. BUT, was I just wimping out? Was I just being lazy? Did I need to work harder? Then, I came to the conclusion. NO! I'm not. I'm not lazy. And no, I didn't need to work harder. I just needed something different. I love Music with all my heart, soul, mind, and being BUT..I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to stress over whether I was good enough or not, whether I could hear a perfect 5th and know it or not, whatever. 

I decided to change my major. English Education. I've always known that I would be a teacher, and that it would just be a matter of what to teach. I think I've found it. Music will always be my love, but I would never want to ruin that love with stupid theory classes that I have no motivation to go to. I just want to feel good about at least one decision that I make, and this could be it. I know this entire post seems selfish, and ya know what? IT IS. My entire life I have always wanted to please everyone else. I have NEVER wanted to let anyone down or have them disappointed in me. I couldn't ever bear the thought of being a disappointment to anyone, let alone people that care about me. But recently I've decided that I need to focus on -me- now. This is my life, it's my career, and it's my college experience. This is a time for me to focus on myself.

Now, I don't have all the facts, but I do know this for absolute certain: I know that Heavenly Father loves ME. And in knowing that, I know that He wants me to be happy and He wouldn't let me do anything that would eternally make me unhappy. I trust Him with every fiber of my being and I just want to be obedient to Him. I love Him and He loves me. IF this isn't the right decision, He'll let me know again. He'll say, "Time Out, Team! Regroup, and try again!" Just like He did today. He's got my back and I trust Him. So here's to the new semester, as an ENGLISH EDUCATION MAJOR. Am I crazy? Absolutely.